"Just Lie Back and Think of Camelot." Merlin (BBC). Arthur/Merlin, rated R (i think).
I was scribbling parts of this in lab while my TA babbled on about the stepwise regression method and I thought to myself, "Oh yeah! Things that are not angst. I remember those." Man, when was the last time I wrote slash that wasn't angsty? Not since LOTRips, I don't think. (LOLOLZ, REMEMBER LOTRIPS, GUYS? Oh man. Good times.) And I've written, like, one happy Narnia fic, because Narnia is fucked up.

'Merlin', however, is the good crack. I do at some point want to write about the future encroaching and Arthur stumbling towards kinghood, watching in horror as Uther and Morgana are consumed by their own crazy, but for right now I can only offer Arthur being a smug bastard.

LOL @ how the phrase "lie back and think of England" has its own Wikipedia page. Oh, Wikipedia. <3


Just Lie Back and Think of Camelot
Merlin. Arthur/Merlin. Rated... R or M? Spoilers: Episode 4, "The Poisoned Chalice." Tip of the hat to the fabulous Bedlam for beta duty.
Or, "Four Ways Merlin is a Crap Servant and One Way He Isn’t Oh, Who Are We Kidding. Five. Five Ways."


1. Arthur makes his intentions clear. Why shouldn’t he? He is prince and master of this place, and mincing words is not the way to get things done.

He’s not particularly surprised when Merlin says no, all awkward and weirdly trying to be gracious at the same time. Merlin’s just kind of a crap servant in that way. An efficacious bodyguard maybe, though no one would ever take Arthur seriously if he went around with a royal guard made up of people who look like Merlin. On the whole, Merlin doesn’t get the whole ‘fealty to your lord’ thing and probably won’t react well to suggestions like “just lie back and think of Camelot.”

So, Arthur just rolls his eyes and orders him to polish his boots. Not in a vindictive way but, if his father has for some reason seen it fit to make this boy Arthur’s manservant, then Arthur might as well make the most of it.

“I want to be able to see my face in those boots,” he adds.

To which Merlin replies, “I thought it was punishable by death to kick the crown prince in the face.” And then he grins in a grating sort of manner.

Arthur gives him a rueful look, which once upon a time would have been a glare, but he’s becoming rather inured to Merlin’s quirks and he can’t tell if this is a good thing. “And,” says Arthur, “muck out the stables.”

When he is king, Arthur will make better choices about who will serve him.


2. But some time after that Merlin develops a tendency to blush and run at the mouth when he dresses and undresses Arthur. He fumbles, buttons things wrong, drops things, and one time he puts Arthur’s shirt on backwards.

“Um,” Merlin says as Arthur stares down perplexedly at himself. “Sorry,” and starts tugging on the shirt trying to get it off.

“Stop that,” snaps Arthur, slapping his hands away. “Stop that! I’ll do it myself.”

The running at the mouth has stopped for the moment, and Arthur supposes one must be glad for small blessings. Merlin thrums with guileless vitality, and while it can be charming, it can also be what makes a nervous and talkative Merlin a force to be reckoned with. Arthur takes his shirt off, pretending not to notice when Merlin’s Adam’s apple bobs up and down, and before putting the shirt back on the right away, Arthur (he times this) suddenly glares at Merlin and says in his most dispassionate tone: “What?”

Merlin’s eyes flick up from Arthur’s torso to his face in record time. “What?” he croaks, and clears his throat. “Nothing. What.”

Arthur smirks, and when Merlin busies himself with ogling the wall instead, he lets the smirk turn into a smile.


3. And then there was that one time Merlin almost died and Arthur had to go off and also almost die (multiple times) to save him. Granted, the reason Merlin almost died was so that Arthur wouldn’t have to – which is definitely up there as far as ‘fealty to your lord’ goes – but this just goes to show that even when Merlin is being a great manservant, he does it in the most inconvenient and stressful way possible for Arthur.

All right, so there were also those other times when Merlin saved his skin, but Arthur has done his fair share of rescuing too, so they’re pretty much even at this point. For master and manservant, that is.

In fact, Merlin should be thankful that he has Arthur for a master. If Arthur hadn’t found that glowing ball of light to follow in the caves of Balor, they would both be dead by now.


4. Merlin is an awful kisser. Possibly knowing how to kiss is not a prerequisite for being a manservant, but it would’ve been nice.

Arthur isn’t too bothered; there are other things to do besides kissing, but when he tries to herd them to his chambers, Merlin makes flustered noises and turns even redder and says things like “Are you sure about this?” and “I’m not sure about this.” It’s becoming increasingly clear that whatever Merlin-related plans Arthur has for the night, they’re not going to happen, so he amuses himself by taking large swigs from the bottle they’ve been sharing and getting in Merlin’s personal space: grabbing his shirt, touching his skin, and leaning in so close he can feel Merlin’s breath on his cheek, and suddenly Merlin finds himself stuck between the wall and a hard place.

“Um,” says Merlin.

Arthur tries for another kiss and this is when Merlin balks, flailing out of his grasp and scuttling down the hallway blabbering about having to pick mugwort and hyssop for Gaius. “You can never have too much mugwort, Gaius says!” comes Merlin’s voice, long after he has turned the corner.

It’s difficult to find good help these days, except maybe if you are Gaius, and maybe even then.

Arthur takes another drink from the bottle and goes to find Percival instead.


5. “Oh god, go... faster,” Merlin gasps, barely able to get the words out.

Arthur says, “You don’t get to give the orders.”

But Arthur obliges and goes faster anyway, and then goes slow, and when they both can’t take much more, it’s back to going fast. When it’s all done, Merlin says, “We should maybe do that again,” and, honestly. Who’s the prince around here?

“Again?” Arthur echoes, a little raggedly. “I’m... I’m a little spent.”

“That’s not a no.”

“Very good. Every day you are learning!”

“I think,” Merlin muses, “I liked it better when, um. You were too busy to talk.”

Arthur shrugs and tries his best not to smile. “I feel similarly.”

So he doesn’t mind overmuch (or at all, really) when Merlin leans over and kisses him again. The kiss is still a little too much teeth and slobber, but Arthur figures they’ve got time to work on the kissing. Arthur doesn’t think he would mind that overmuch either.



Author's Note: A missing scene between 4 and 5 is now available here.